squeefulfish (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
squeefulfish) wrote2009-05-11 06:34 pm
squeefulfish) wrote2009-05-11 06:34 pm
Schol
It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in college. It's soul destroying. It's something you're planning around for months. In conversation before the exams with a 2nd year:
2nd year "Have I don't enough?"
Liz "No!"
2nd year "But you don't know what I've done, I haven't told you yet."
Liz "You haven't done enough. You can never do enough for Schol."
It's hard and it's cruel and it's a long slog and then when you don't get it... for the second year in a row... well, you want beer and chips now and you get angry and hurt and there are tears and phone calls home and I never want to hear my daddy's voice break like that again. And then Liz's husband fed me beer and life was a bit better again for being around people I love with others providing much needed textual support.
And now I want cake. And a hankie. Cos now I'm home and I can let the anger and the feelings of inadequacy out.
Getting it would have made an enormous difference to my life. Not getting it makes no difference to anything. I survived Schol, as did Liz.
And on the upside, I can start looking at places other than Trinity for postgrads! Still want more beer though.
2nd year "Have I don't enough?"
Liz "No!"
2nd year "But you don't know what I've done, I haven't told you yet."
Liz "You haven't done enough. You can never do enough for Schol."
It's hard and it's cruel and it's a long slog and then when you don't get it... for the second year in a row... well, you want beer and chips now and you get angry and hurt and there are tears and phone calls home and I never want to hear my daddy's voice break like that again. And then Liz's husband fed me beer and life was a bit better again for being around people I love with others providing much needed textual support.
And now I want cake. And a hankie. Cos now I'm home and I can let the anger and the feelings of inadequacy out.
Getting it would have made an enormous difference to my life. Not getting it makes no difference to anything. I survived Schol, as did Liz.
And on the upside, I can start looking at places other than Trinity for postgrads! Still want more beer though.