Questions without answers.

Sucky day. I was going to say "the sort of day that makes you cry" but then I realised that when you mention tears as often as I seem to be doing these days it means an awful lot less. All the same, had to struggle to hold back the tears at one point. One of Those Days doesn't come close (and I do realise that lack of details makes this far less interesting to read, but you're not getting any, 'k?) Emotionally, today was the worst yet. My words make a difference, made a difference and yet not enough of a difference, just wish someone had some nice ones for me. Today I was a midwife surrounded by medics. All of us lived up to our roles. And yet I still feel as if I failed the woman and failed myself for letting my emotions show.

So what do you do when you want to cry? You grit your teeth and keep it in, you're an uncaring bitch. Let it out, you're a cry baby. Alright, so perhaps not that extreme, but it's very very difficult to find the middle ground. Because it's not only me and the woman I need think about, but the reactions of my colleagues. Why should that even matter to me? How much can I leave my own life behind and how much do I want that to happen? My past has shaped me, it's led me to where I am now. So I can't exactly ignore it. But at the same time I can't let it interfere with my work because it's not me I'm looking out for. Will this get easier with time or does that just mean I'll get callous? Is it any wonder that the majority of midwives in service are fairly recently qualified? It's a job with enormous peaks of job satisfaction but also occasional huge troughs. And I know not every day is like today, but these are the days that make you think.

These are the things that keep me awake at night. Which I suppose in a way is a good thing. If I'm thinking about these things I can't be that bad, right?